Credit Dispersed

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! no credit left on my fone! no more! nooooooo!!!! i tried to text bye using the computer but i couldn't because i had to pay or whatever!
this is horrible! ok so maybe im being a little melo dramatic
i hate my art teacher Mr Glover, he will pay for being so mean and stupid! i'll become famous, return to my high school and juist belittle him.

Love is a light switch

remember when i proffesed absolute adoration of Martin? well i have never seen him only txted him and yet we fell in "love". the next day i was strangely ambivelent regarding Martin, was it an emotional one night stand? i thjink it was! so i continued with my day to day life, but then we started to text agian, the feelings came rushing back!
it's so strange! Love is light switch and i dont care what the romantic comedies of today say.
They should make a romance film that shows this side, not the "i cant live without you" thing but the "my life goes on without you but when i'm with you i feel i cant live without you - but i totally can". that's my dilemma, maybe i should just forget about it, but he seems great, he's into me and i'm into him when he's around but when he's not i feel fine, i think this is a lust thing, right? i don't know but still.

beat The Scholars at hockey, 7 - 1 i think.

my Plan

although i have disdain for Boldie i have found it slowly diminishing after spending a little time with him, he's a good friend but i imagine he'd be a horrible boyfriend, anyway i plan to date him, not with any romantic interest of course, just to spite Blondie and make her hate me so much that she refuses to speak to me, i can relinquish my boredom, and maybe even have a postive influence on Boldie.
my plan is purely out of boredom but still...

i'm evil, it may not sound so on paper but people do consider me evil.

I FOUND OUT MY TOWN HAS A SEX SHOP!!!!!!!!!!

What a tease!

Blondie finally told Boldie she loved him, and just like i had said- Boldie was a cold fish and didn't feel the same way. "i love him! how can this happen? i'll never love again!" she cries to me, but wpouldn't you it? she professes in PE that she loves Correl! this can only end badly. i don't know what to call her, a bit of tease i guess.
i hate her.

in english we're doing discussion texts and i'm discussing modern films and classic films.
the drama trip got canned because our SOSE teacher found out that some of her class were going on that instead of a trip to a museum. c'mon! i hate my teacher! i used to lik her but now i do not.

Shimmy's departure and insanity musings

shimmy has left school to be home schooled, as someone who does not pretend understand people, i merely quiz them like they're lab experiments, i do not know why she has left, except for her being continually at odds with fellow students and those stupid ass tteachers who don't know what they're doing.
Blondie was a nervous wreck today because she was going to tell Boldie that she loved him- she didn't. i tried to coach her through understanding that she didn't love Boldie and that her feelings were of simple first crushes, the first crush is always assumed to be love by a person, it's the newness of it that makes him appealing. she would have none of it and continued to dance around thinking she could dance.

i have been pondering "normalcy", and about what it represents and what it IS to be normal.
normal is a state of mind, if you believe yourself to be normal, your mind and actions will generally act accordingly, imagine if someone thought they were a genius, would they not cash in on as many fifty cent words as possible?
orperhaps, alternativley "normalcy" could be an idealism created by psycholigists to measure their patients on, a collection of small tidbits of supposedly normal behaviour all posted on to one chart, but the idea of normal continues to change, and perhaps the chart diminshed when people realised that it was it had too many variables.

it's not a question of what is normal but rather what ISNT. what differs a quirky personality from insanity? not much. anyone can be insane if they're quirks are magnified, insanity is hard to determine, but crazy is differnt. i think that crazy is everything unique about you put under the microscope and picked apart, if that happened to everyone, then we'd all be living in an institution, am i gonna be in an institution in 10 years time? are you? are we headed for a straight jacket or to school? what's the diffrence?
if you demonstrate your quirks you're weird- some may call you "unique", but if you showcase your quirks too much then you're crazy and need help. maybe we're all insane and some of us just hide it better.
i don't know much about insanity, but i recognise "social norms" and find them ludicrously inconsitent.

fake

well we got approved for a drama trip, which is cool, we get to see Pirtaes Of Penzance then a movie.
i've been wondering what people really gain by telling people bad things about themselves. like how Blondie tells people: "oh i was bullied" and "everybody hates me" or "i wish i was dead"
not true, she defends Key Ring but secretly dislikes her, i'll say what i like to her because i am not afriad of what people will think of my feelings towards hjer, i don't like her, she doesn't like me, why CANT we express that? Blondie says she wants to help people, says that but i've used my observational skills to say with much certainty that she tells people this so that they'll think of her as a saint just so she can rise to popularity. it sickens me the way she's so fake.

I think i have i have wide hips, it's not so bad, i'd rather have curves than be like a french fry! apparently i'm "big boned', the thing is i'm not, ok my hips sure but the rest of me is well proportioned, just saying. i'm not skinny, i'm slim, i don't know i guess i was just pondering it today.

i'm bored

we lost

hockey.
we lost it, it wasn'ts so bad, i was half back and enjoyed being out of my compfort zone and we only lost by one goal so i guess it was fine.
i hve nothing else to post today since i couldn't go and meet anyone down in maitland, which sucked i guess

Sardonic Wit in Art

i had double art today.
since Key Ring had calmed down since yesterday (or was it the day before?) she asked me sit next to her, since i didn't want to be a loner i went ahead and did so. Key Ring got into this big thing which Niksa, cos Niksa was trying to do her sketching and Key Ring was in the way and refused to movie, me, Cal and Victoria tried to get her to move, and finally we prevailed. now she was being annoying, snapping at every little thing and her insults didn't make sense!
i made this joke about her and a bunch of people laughed.
"i don't think that's funny" says Key Rimg
"that's cos YOURE the joke" people laughed even more, i'm not sure what was so funny about it, i guess i was surprised at the reaction, i laughed along with them, i guess to repeat it you don't know what was so funny, or maybe i just don't find it that funny cos i was kind of serious about it. but it was in good humour. kinda.
people think i'm funny, what can i say? or as Cal put it: "she's so funny and she like, doesn't even try" or something to that effect.
i hate the work in art but it's the great social atmosphere that keeps me there.

key Ring is so annoying!

i was in art today and sat down next to Key Ring, i really just wanted to be nice and show her that i could be a good person, she was not in a good mood.
she hated everyone, she painted my hair, called everyone names stole their stuff, it's a good thing i have anger management!
i just wanted to kill her! of course i restrained.

Blondie was boring, every one and everything was boring!!!!!!!
i cant wait till i can drive then i'll be lesss bored, when you get older you find mor stuff to do, people call these resonsibilities, i call them endeavours that delay boredom, then we get old and we have other people doing stuff for us, you get bored. hence the term: "dying of boredom"

The Modern Relationship

His name is Martin. yes, Martin. The same guy that Yazz dated and dumped for his cousin. he's such a sweet guy!
blond hair brown eyes and i can watch a double feature of Star Wars with him AND a musical. he's great.
ever since meeting him ive found it hard to be my usual cynical self, well... we met yesterday. now we are like Dharma ang Greg! only we are not married and i dont like yoga. the boyfriend i had before was called Mike and he seemed to have this strange fantasy that we'd have children when we were 18 and married and that we'd call them Quazer and Gwenyth. relationship terminated.
then i meet Martin through Yazz. she just handed him the phone and we were texting late into the night, its like the modern relationship with a touch of of true romance. we met via text, we fell for eachother and now we cant wait to meet in person. this is 21st century dating.the romantic comedies got it so wrong and i never noticed it before. until romance happened to me.
i know i sound like a teenaged girl with her head in the cloyds and i suppose i am but this is great, we're textng right now actually this is one of his texts:
HOW WAS UR DAY 2DAY SWEETY?
i love him. i know its naive of me to love him after one day but love doesn't have a time to exist, i want him. must meet him, he'll hopefully be in my town this sunday, ooooh i cant eait.

my usual cynical self is dead as long as i continue to date this wonderful guy who makes me want to believe in fate, true love and "the one"

I need a release

part of being a teenager is having so much angst, and anger at the world , sometimes for no reason. i have succumbed to this teenage flaw and need a release for my anger, a lot of my peers would go get high, join a gang or skip school but all i want is to hit something, or go somewhere where its just peaceful and nobody is telling me what to do or where to go.

i'm one of those people who want to improve, be better, make people see and open their eyes to things. But as of late peoples neglect and ignorance of me has taken its oll, the only place i believe that i have true friends who listen to me is in Yu-Gi-OH duel club and Chess club, they don't care what people think about their interests, in a way they're the better people who don't deserve to be treated like dorks. they'll be rich and if they're not than i'd still date a geek, they're much more interesting and provide much more stimulating conversation than that of a football player.
just my opinion.

anyways, i need an outlet, i'm trying to be nicer to people and all these insults just pile iup in my head when people anger me but i cannot say them because i'm trying to be nicer. so i need an outlet, church/ no, i can see all these plotholes in the bible so it would just make me angrier. A shooting game? perhaps. we shall see.
Once again my dislike for hatred for Blondie has grown, i barely talked to her today and hope to faze her out of my life.
i almost beat the whole school chess champ, we had a tiebreaker andi could have beaten him in the first 5 moves but i was so paranoid and overestimated him! i though he was bating me so i moved something else, he won. Damo is a great chess player and one day we'll replay that match.

Blonde, sex, insulting conversations

Today i went back to school, i was not impressed with the way Blondie acted (as per usual), she tries so hard to be in the in crowd, she just comes off needy and pathetic.
in art i once again destroyed Key Ring, in my defense i was provoked and it wasn't even me doing most of it, my friend Ebay was especially helpful. comoing up with such gems as "cut back on the eyeliner, you might see more" stuff like that.
then we talked about sex games, Ebay told us about this really digusting one: a bunch of guys have to come on a biscuit and the last guy to come has to eat the biscuit. ew. funny, interesting, but ew.
when this conversation ceased we discussed why people think that blondes are dumb. Caitlin said because of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, to which most of us agreed, celebrities have so much influence it's ridiculous.

in english i had to write a story where the theme was a box, it could be anything, as long as it involved a box. mine is a portal to a surreal world. of course. Sose is local history, boredom.
everythings is fine. i'm reading about this Charlie Chaplin movie called City Lights, it looks so great! i must get it next time i go to JB HI Fi!

my biggest issue today is the way that teachers and counsellers can be so patronizing! they think that we're idiots, 'don't worry, we're here for you' in this tone that so slow and over the top that you don't know whether to punch them or laugh your head off! so i stay quiet and let my hand twitch while they explain what a psychiatrist is. 'i know what a psychiatrist is! who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?'
English teachers ask us what every single word means, drama teachers think we're little children who need to have things broken down for us and said to us in muppet like tones and Art teachers think you're doing everuything wrong when it's not the way they're doing it, then when we ask whats wrong with doing it that way they just say it slower, saying something slwer doesn't make you right it makes you retarded. no offence.

end of post.

Sick Day

today i took a sick day off school because i get terrible hay fever, and today i was at the peak of it.
sore throats, stuffy heads and diziness, the works. i slept till 11:00 then i woke up cos i couldn't get back to sleep, just ate all day and watched singin' in the rain. what a great movie!

well, c'ya.

outcasts and social choices

I write because i really just sit on my bed in the dark or walk around the shops when i'm bored, so that said- i have a lo of time on my hands, especially on sundays.

as someone who is only 14 i don't know everything, nor do pretend to, but i was pondeing while i took a lingering look at my school if i could istinguish people into their cliques with one look, no i couldn't. society gets confused with all these film coming out today about how one must 'be themselves' to truly be happy, but then there's the other movies where people want to change themselves to suit other peoples expectations. society is impressionable, in retrospect all the decades seemed cool and individual, this decade seems boring and uninsppired, musicwise and fashionwise at least, but the outcasts of high school were different. everyone thought them weird just because they didnt dress the same or listen to the same kinds of music, but they are generally less effected by mainstream industry, they might be effected by no industry, or by one that is less well known.

people are generally hostile towards gothic culture, emo's, bohemians, satan worshippers, basically anyone who doesn't wish to conform or believes in something alternative to the social norms. people believe in what they wat to believe in, my friend Yazz once told the counsellor that she and i worshipped Satan just to see what would happen, extensive probing and counselling followed, which made me ask her: "Churches can be hypocritical and the bible has so many plotholes that its just hard to take seriously, so tell me this Mrs Williams: if Satan is so horrible then why is it that that some of the greatest joys in life are considered sinful? and why do people believe in god? God is just a way of explaining coincidences and pure luck, if we look for Satan in anything, you'll find it. same with god" she then thought about this and splutterred out some incoherant words, about how its bad to believe in Satan, and she asked my why i "believed" in him, to which i answred: "why not?"
If something is different then people are scared of it, they dont' know how else to react.
try that sometime, its fun to see how they react.

Emo's are people, why are they discriminated against? it's people inperfections that make them individuals, but people act so prim and perfect at my school, it's hard to distinguish them.
I wish that people were more accepting, we should revel in our differences and use them to our advantage! not hide them in a sea of wishy washy "normalcy."
I have friends who openly talk of killing everyone in the school (they'll never do it though, they're all talk trust me), friends with suicide pacts, friends who are straight A students and ones that scrape by, i myself plan to die at age 47 by hanging from the flag pole at my school, now THATS going out in style.

i could hang out with anyone, popular or not, but choose my friends for the range of diversity, its a bit ironic how the most socially acceptable people are the most boring.
i've always liked to taunt people, test them, see peoples reactions, just for fun. whenever i'm in art i can go for ages just thinking up insults to Key Ring, yes i am a bully, it's not that i'm scared of Key Ring, or that she's different- in fact i actually like her for being different, its just that she grates on my nerves, i'm a hypocrite because i say i hate bullies when i am one (to Key Ring at least, i'm generally nice to others), nut i never said i wasn't a hypocrite. i'm imperfect, a 'weirdo', witty, insulting, yet shy, i'm a lot of things, but i'm straight forward and say what i wish. It's a free country in law, but not in social economics, there'll always be prejudices and taboo subjects like incest and stuff, but by ignoring them they do not go away. they get stronger, the taboo subjects of this world is what makes it what it is: a never ending strive for perfection, i have to wonder where it will end.